tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78434285452985529852024-03-12T22:15:18.399-07:00International JokesGaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.comBlogger195125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-25016061171582692502008-05-16T10:08:00.003-07:002008-05-16T10:09:05.144-07:00Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.<br /><br />They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.<br /><br />He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.<br /><br />They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'<br /><br />Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.<br /><br />Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a<br />pint of bitter.<br /><br />Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another..<br /><br /><br />After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.<br /><br />He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.<br /><br />When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.<br /><br />It's a miracle!'<br /><br />Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.<br /><br />As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.<br /><br /><br />'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'<br /><br />Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,<br /><br />'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-89334884801558283882008-05-16T10:08:00.001-07:002008-05-16T10:08:35.740-07:00North of EnglandA scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the<br />Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.<br /><br />The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a<br />chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The<br />Salary package is £200,000 a year'.<br /><br />The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'<br /><br />The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-62234446020725656522008-05-16T10:07:00.002-07:002008-05-16T10:08:10.968-07:00UnusualPolice cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.<br /><br />It later turned out to be a tax disc.Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-67813437008679672502008-05-16T10:07:00.001-07:002008-05-16T10:07:41.591-07:00A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.<br /><br />She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.<br /><br /><br />Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.<br /><br />The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you<br />raise your Hand?'<br /><br /><br />'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.<br /><br />The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'<br /><br />'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.<br /><br />The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'<br /><br />'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'<br /><br />'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.<br /><br />You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.<br /><br />What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would<br />you be then?'<br /><br />'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan..'Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-84460832189805099392008-05-14T03:01:00.000-07:002008-05-14T03:07:22.755-07:00The Fire brigade phones GeorgeThe Fire brigade phones George<br /><br />The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.<br />"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"<br />"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.<br />"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."<br />Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 13:00<br />A man calls the fire department and says<br /><br />A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."<br />"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"<br />"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."<br />Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:57<br />A fireman and policeman died and<br /><br />A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning<br />that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then<br />one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her<br />pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.<br />Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54<br />A fire chief died and went to heaven.<br /><br />A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.<br />He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."<br />He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have<br />to wait in line like everyone else, sir."<br />While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white<br />helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief<br />was pissed and went to talk to the angels.<br />He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all<br />wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."<br />Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54<br />A firefighter died and went to<br /><br />A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.<br />After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?<br />"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.<br />"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.<br />The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."<br />Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:53<br />After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building<br /><br />After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."<br />The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.<br /><br />There was a huge fire at a big city soda<br /><br />There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was<br />frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the<br />blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was<br />gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this<br />he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire<br />and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,<br />"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."<br /><br />Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals<br /><br />Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?<br />A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.<br /><br />Three firefighters went out on a hunting<br /><br />Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was<br />misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play<br />a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am<br />going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The<br />captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some<br />tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He<br />came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied,<br />"I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done<br />said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled<br />up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there<br />five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."<br /><br />A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last<br /><br />A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.<br />When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.<br />The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.<br />The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.<br />"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.<br />"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."<br />So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"<br />The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.<br />"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."<br />"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"<br />The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-70914860709563725572008-03-14T02:54:00.001-07:002008-03-14T02:54:38.248-07:00JealousyAn Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief <br /><br />when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.<br /><br />He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out <br /><br />laughing.<br /><br />"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-22044111009991924502008-03-14T02:53:00.006-07:002008-03-14T02:54:10.388-07:00Moth to a flameMike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. <br /><br />No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver <br /><br />the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, <br /><br />Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and <br /><br />holds it up for the proud father to see.<br />"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." <br /><br />Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, <br /><br />Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A <br /><br />beautiful baby daughter."<br />"Thanks be to..."<br />Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the <br /><br />Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor<br />holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.<br />"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-46280793511433555772008-03-14T02:53:00.005-07:002008-03-14T02:53:44.926-07:00An Irishman took a photographAn Irishman took a photograph of his son to the chemist. 'I wonder,' he said, 'could you enlarge this for me?' 'Yes, certainly,' the chemist replied. 'And would it be possible for you to take his hat off for me?' 'Well, I'm sure we could do something. Yes, we could touch it up for you.' 'Oh, that's fine.' 'Tell me,' said the chemist, 'which side does your son part his hair?' The Irishman smiled. 'Oh, come on now. You'll see that when you take his hat off.'Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-17260778026746355682008-03-14T02:53:00.003-07:002008-03-14T02:53:31.860-07:00Irish scientistsDid you hear about the two Irish scientists who sent a rocket to the sun without any heat shields? It was alright though; they sent it up at night.Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-43634660725890412862008-03-14T02:53:00.001-07:002008-03-14T02:53:15.939-07:00IrishWhat do you call an Irish spider?<br />Paddy long legs.<br /><br />A man goes to see a doctor. He prods himself in the arm, legs and torso with his finger, complaining that he is in agony whenever he does this. The doctor asks the man if he is Irish. "Yes," replies the man. "I thought so," said the doctor, "your finger is broken."Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-78745262130144575692008-03-14T02:52:00.002-07:002008-03-14T02:53:01.467-07:00Down in BocaMorty and Sylvia finally sell their big house on Long Island and move to fancy digs in Boca. They're on their way out to dinner, when Sylvia comes into the living room and asks her husband, "Darling, do you think this Chanel suit is OK, or should I wear my beaded Oscar de la Renta dress?"<br /><br />Morty barely looks up from the TV and says indifferently "Wear whatever you like, darling. You look lovely in either."<br /><br />Ten minutes later, she's back. "Should I wear my diamond earrings or the emerald and sapphire ones you bought me for my birthday?"<br /><br />"Either one," he mumbles with growing impatience.<br /><br />Soon she's back, modeling shoes. "Should I wear these Gucci sandals or the Ferragamos?"<br /><br />"Enough already!" says Morty angrily, "If you don't get your act right now, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special!"Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-64071658015758984782008-03-14T02:52:00.001-07:002008-03-14T02:52:44.768-07:00Saving MoneyDouble glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-2834142871170000632008-03-14T02:51:00.000-07:002008-03-14T02:52:10.092-07:00American FootballDuring a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.<br />The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-89431992126211120592008-03-13T02:53:00.001-07:002008-03-13T02:53:13.788-07:00Maggie"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.<br />"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-13744461518014931712008-03-13T02:52:00.005-07:002008-03-13T02:52:58.678-07:00Have you heard about the lecherous JockHave you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?<br />He sold her four of them.Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-81424465571354758722008-03-13T02:52:00.003-07:002008-03-13T02:52:43.063-07:00A Scotsmen and a Jewish manA Scotsmen and a Jewish manwere having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-31966294839045443822008-03-13T02:52:00.001-07:002008-03-13T02:52:25.534-07:00French War HeroA French boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of a French War Hero!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a real part, instead of a fictional character."Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-11204498471517034772008-03-13T02:51:00.004-07:002008-03-13T02:52:00.664-07:00FilofaxFilipino telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-44602076909671668962008-03-13T02:51:00.003-07:002008-03-13T02:51:34.548-07:00One dayOne day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.<br />Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.<br />He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-57459134393307852502008-03-13T02:51:00.001-07:002008-03-13T02:51:16.380-07:00How do you count a herd of cattle?How do you count a herd of cattle?<br /><br />With a cowculator.Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-13211756595991143832008-03-13T02:50:00.002-07:002008-03-13T02:51:04.641-07:00Two Americans are talking.Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"<br />"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-42601624480337261872008-03-13T02:50:00.001-07:002008-03-13T02:50:48.976-07:00An English man, German and a Scottish manAn English man, German and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The German says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Germany. Where you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"<br />The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the German replies "No, but it happened to my sister."Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-1100753407223864342008-03-12T02:43:00.005-07:002008-03-12T02:43:49.451-07:00The philosophical Scotland supporterA philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-63605465759418432722008-03-12T02:43:00.003-07:002008-03-12T02:43:27.766-07:00A wealthy earlA wealthy earl went salmon fishing in Ireland. After a fortnight without a bite he eventually hooked one small salmon. As Paddy, his ghillie, landed it, the earl said, 'Do you know, that salmon cost me two hundred pounds?' 'Ah,' said Paddy, 'aren't you the lucky man that you didn't catch two.'Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7843428545298552985.post-64901389714522829962008-03-12T02:43:00.001-07:002008-03-12T02:43:14.003-07:00The worst Irish aviation disaster..Did you hear about the worst Irish aviation disaster... A light aircraft crashed into a grave yard, the police have recovered 800 bodies!Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06116533390821457863noreply@blogger.com0