International Jokes

Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

2008-05-16T10:08:00.003-07:00

Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another..

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.

It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

North of England

2008-05-16T10:08:00.001-07:00

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Unusual

2008-05-16T10:07:00.002-07:00

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

2008-05-16T10:07:00.001-07:00

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your Hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would
you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan..'

The Fire brigade phones George

2008-05-14T03:01:00.000-07:00

The Fire brigade phones George

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 13:00
A man calls the fire department and says

A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:57
A fireman and policeman died and

A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then
one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A fire chief died and went to heaven.

A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have
to wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white
helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A firefighter died and went to

A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:53
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

There was a huge fire at a big city soda

There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,
"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."

Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals

Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

Three firefighters went out on a hunting

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there
five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."

A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last

A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."

Jealousy

2008-03-14T02:54:00.001-07:00

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief

when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out

laughing.

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."

Moth to a flame

2008-03-14T02:53:00.006-07:00

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England.

No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver

the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do,

Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and

holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern,

Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A

beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the

Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

An Irishman took a photograph

2008-03-14T02:53:00.005-07:00

An Irishman took a photograph of his son to the chemist. 'I wonder,' he said, 'could you enlarge this for me?' 'Yes, certainly,' the chemist replied. 'And would it be possible for you to take his hat off for me?' 'Well, I'm sure we could do something. Yes, we could touch it up for you.' 'Oh, that's fine.' 'Tell me,' said the chemist, 'which side does your son part his hair?' The Irishman smiled. 'Oh, come on now. You'll see that when you take his hat off.'

Irish scientists

2008-03-14T02:53:00.003-07:00

Did you hear about the two Irish scientists who sent a rocket to the sun without any heat shields? It was alright though; they sent it up at night.

Irish

2008-03-14T02:53:00.001-07:00

What do you call an Irish spider?
Paddy long legs.

A man goes to see a doctor. He prods himself in the arm, legs and torso with his finger, complaining that he is in agony whenever he does this. The doctor asks the man if he is Irish. "Yes," replies the man. "I thought so," said the doctor, "your finger is broken."

Down in Boca

2008-03-14T02:52:00.002-07:00

Morty and Sylvia finally sell their big house on Long Island and move to fancy digs in Boca. They're on their way out to dinner, when Sylvia comes into the living room and asks her husband, "Darling, do you think this Chanel suit is OK, or should I wear my beaded Oscar de la Renta dress?"

Morty barely looks up from the TV and says indifferently "Wear whatever you like, darling. You look lovely in either."

Ten minutes later, she's back. "Should I wear my diamond earrings or the emerald and sapphire ones you bought me for my birthday?"

"Either one," he mumbles with growing impatience.

Soon she's back, modeling shoes. "Should I wear these Gucci sandals or the Ferragamos?"

"Enough already!" says Morty angrily, "If you don't get your act right now, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special!"

Saving Money

2008-03-14T02:52:00.001-07:00

Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

American Football

2008-03-14T02:51:00.000-07:00

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"

Maggie

2008-03-13T02:53:00.001-07:00

"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."

Have you heard about the lecherous Jock

2008-03-13T02:52:00.005-07:00

Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man

2008-03-13T02:52:00.003-07:00

A Scotsmen and a Jewish manwere having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

French War Hero

2008-03-13T02:52:00.001-07:00

A French boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of a French War Hero!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a real part, instead of a fictional character."

Filofax

2008-03-13T02:51:00.004-07:00

Filipino telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

One day

2008-03-13T02:51:00.003-07:00

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"

How do you count a herd of cattle?

2008-03-13T02:51:00.001-07:00

How do you count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.

Two Americans are talking.

2008-03-13T02:50:00.002-07:00

Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"

An English man, German and a Scottish man

2008-03-13T02:50:00.001-07:00

An English man, German and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The German says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Germany. Where you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the German replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

The philosophical Scotland supporter

2008-03-12T02:43:00.005-07:00

A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."

A wealthy earl

2008-03-12T02:43:00.003-07:00

A wealthy earl went salmon fishing in Ireland. After a fortnight without a bite he eventually hooked one small salmon. As Paddy, his ghillie, landed it, the earl said, 'Do you know, that salmon cost me two hundred pounds?' 'Ah,' said Paddy, 'aren't you the lucky man that you didn't catch two.'

The worst Irish aviation disaster..

2008-03-12T02:43:00.001-07:00

Did you hear about the worst Irish aviation disaster... A light aircraft crashed into a grave yard, the police have recovered 800 bodies!

A kiwi was attending a test cricket

2008-03-12T02:42:00.003-07:00

A kiwi was attending a test cricket match In Australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opinion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!

Phone Sex

2008-03-12T02:42:00.001-07:00

A Welsh blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

Better than saying I Love you

2008-03-12T02:41:00.003-07:00

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU...

2008-03-12T02:41:00.001-07:00

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!

A Classy Lady

2008-03-12T02:40:00.002-07:00

Esther Fishbein's husband, Morty, had a few good seasons in a row and finally the Fishbeins moved to a fancy, shmancy neighborhood. Being just a butcher's daughter from Brooklyn, Esther was hardly sophisticated, but she was desperate to fit in with her wealthy, high class neighbors.

Now that they could afford it, she was determined to become a real lady. She had her home decorated by the most exclusive designer and paid a fortune for genuine antique furniture. She took speech lessons to lose her Brooklyn accent. For a year, she went to finishing school to learn proper manners and behavior. Finally, Esther decides it's time to show off her new sophistication. But what would be the best way to prove to her fancy neighbors that she was, indeed, one of them? After all, she could hardly invite them to play Mah Johnng. One of her instructors suggests she host a formal tea. She could hire a few musicians to play chamber music; have an English butler serve the tea with little sandwiches. Esther could just picture it! A real swanky affair! So, she sends out printed announcements and invites the ladies to her home.

The day of the party arrives. Her home looks magnificent. The butler is serving. The chamber music is playing. Things are going very well. Esther is fitting right in. In fact, she's the life of the party.

One of the ladies remarks, "Oh! I do so love Beethoven! And Mozart! Don't you just love Mozart?" she asks Esther.

Esther is caught a little off guard. "Oh. Sure. Mozart. I love Mozart. In fact, I just ran into him last week on the A train out to Coney Island..."

Suddenly, conversations stops. The room becomes deathly quiet. The guests quickly make their excuses and leave one by one until Esther is alone with Morty.

Morty says, "I can't believe you did that, Esther! Three million dollars I spend on this house. Six thousand dollars I spend for you to go to finishing school! New clothes! Musicians! A butler! And you ruin it all by saying something like that? How could you be so stupid!? ... Everybody KNOWS the A train doesn't go to Coney Island!!!"

Another Tragic Accident

2008-03-12T02:40:00.001-07:00

Another Tragic Accident

Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.

"Are you comfortable?" she asks.

"I make a living."

The Earl

2008-03-11T03:51:00.003-07:00

When the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statue of Lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?" "Does your lordship mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?" "Is it not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a dead sheep has only two: the fore legs are shoulders; but there are but two legs of mutton."

Joe wanted to be an accountant

2008-03-11T03:51:00.001-07:00

Joe wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Joe: Seven!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Joe: Seven!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Joe: Six.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?

Joe: Seven!

Tester : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two sheep is seven?

Joe: I've already got one sheep at home!

Sheep Song

2008-03-11T03:50:00.006-07:00

(To be sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Sheep are very sweet, They go baaaaa and bleat,
They're as white as a sheet, Sheep are very sweet!
They live in the fields, Have their daytime meals,
I knew one once called Neil, And he lived in the fields!
Chorus
Sheep are woolly, Sheep are fooly, Sheep are very dumb.
They don't know a thing at all, And they don't learn from their mum.
Baaaaaaah!

The Queen

2008-03-11T03:50:00.005-07:00

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Lazy

2008-03-11T03:50:00.003-07:00

The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said.

"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

A Jackeroo rides

2008-03-11T03:50:00.001-07:00

A Jackeroo rides into town after months of rustling. He ties the horse out the front of the pub, dusts off his pants, and then walks around to the back of the horse and runs his lips along the crack of the horses ass. He heads into the bar, and asks the barmen for a glass of beer. The barmen says, "Listen mate, can I just ask why you ran your lips along the crack of your horses ass ?".He replies, "I've got chapped lips".The barmen replies, "does that cure them ?". The jackeroo replies, "no but it sure stops me licken 'em".

Tell a Lie

2008-03-11T03:49:00.002-07:00

I met my 6-year-old son at the bus one day after I'd gotten a new haircut. Although it felt great, my new look had the effect of making my already substantial nose seem even more prominent. The next morning I awoke to Julian softly running his fingers across my face, clearly deep in thought. "Mom," he asked seriously, "did you tell a lie?"

Lost in Transition

2008-03-11T03:49:00.001-07:00

A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

The French

2008-03-10T11:10:00.005-07:00

The French
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of  its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for  an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and  a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

A German atheist

2008-03-10T11:10:00.003-07:00

A German atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Three Insurance salesmen

2008-03-10T11:10:00.001-07:00

Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!"

McDougal

2008-03-10T11:09:00.005-07:00

McDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained. "The dog can walk back home from England but he'll never swim the Atlantic."

Jim was speeding along the road

2008-03-10T11:09:00.003-07:00

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

What kind of ears does an engine have?

2008-03-10T11:09:00.001-07:00

What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers

A guy is at the pearly gates

2008-03-10T11:08:00.004-07:00

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

An English man

2008-03-10T11:08:00.003-07:00

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

A bloke

2008-03-10T11:08:00.001-07:00

A bloke has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car. There seems to be lots of damage. The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy". The bloke says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"

Scotsmen

2008-03-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? So the sheep won't hear the zipper.

A good-looking horse

2008-03-09T07:48:00.002-07:00

An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.

“How much do you want for this horse?” asked the Englishman.

Dai Davies answered, “This horse doesn’t look good these days.”

The Englishman said, “I’ve been trading horses all my life and there’s nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what’s good-looking and what’s not.”

“Two thousand pounds,” said Dai.

“Deal,” said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,

“You didn’t tell me this horse was blind!”

Dai said, “But I told you this horse didn’t look good.”

The Wife

2008-03-09T07:48:00.001-07:00

A man was running late for the office one day, so he was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I've just seen on the TV that there's a maniac going down the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It's not just one, it's all of them.

The Wife

2008-03-09T07:47:00.004-07:00

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

The bald man

2008-03-09T07:47:00.003-07:00

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer

2008-03-09T07:47:00.001-07:00

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

On a Train

2008-03-09T07:46:00.004-07:00

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

German Going off to war

2008-03-09T07:46:00.003-07:00

PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay home and run the farm.

Enemies in the West

2008-03-09T07:46:00.001-07:00

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."

2008-03-06T03:06:00.001-08:00

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."

Frog Jokes

2008-03-06T01:45:00.000-08:00

How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.

What do you get if you cross a frog with a small dog?
A croaker spaniel.

What happens when you drink Frognog?
You croak.

How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide

There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer said: "well, do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"

Three-legged chicken

2008-03-06T01:44:00.001-08:00

Three-legged chicken

An American holidaymaker was driving through a village near Llanidloes. Suddenly he saw a chicken with three legs! He stopped the car but when he got near the chicken, it ran away like the wind. Then the American saw a local farmer and asked him,

“Have you seen a three-legged chicken running down the road?”

“Possibly,” said the farmer “I have been breeding three-legged chickens for years to sell to families of three people who all like a chicken leg on Sunday.”

“And what do such chickens taste like?”

“I don’t know, mate, we haven’t caught one yet.”

Richer than the Rothschilds

2008-03-06T01:41:00.001-08:00

Richer than the Rothschilds

"You know, Moishe, if I were as rich as the Rothschilds, I'd be richer than the Rothschilds."

"Really? How do you figure that, Heshie?"

"Well, I'd do a little teaching on the side."

Scottish bus driver

2008-03-06T01:39:00.000-08:00

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"? "Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.

Eskimo Talk

2008-03-06T01:37:00.001-08:00

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

Aussie Couple

2008-03-06T01:36:00.001-08:00

A couple were celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary one night, & decided to continue in the bedroom. But before they started, the wife said, honey what did you think when you first saw me naked? The man replied I wanted to f#?k your brains out & suck your breasts dry.The wife then said what do you think now when you see me naked? He replied, it looks like I did a pretty good Job!!

Scots Jokes

2008-03-06T01:34:00.001-08:00

A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.

How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish.

Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

Did you hear about the Scottish kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.

Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Something Wrong

2008-03-06T01:31:00.001-08:00

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.

Marvin and the Guru

2008-03-05T01:54:00.001-08:00

Marvin was a deeply spiritual man, a seeker of truth. He went to synagogue every week for years, but eventually realized his soul needed more than Judaism could give him. He tried Buddhism, Christianity, a wide assortment of New Age religions, but he still felt spiritually empty.

One day, he heard about a great guru living atop the highest mountain in India who had all the answers. He sold all his worldly possessions, bid goodbye to his friends and family, and headed east. Once on the subcontinent, he learned that the guru would agree to see only one person a year and that person would be allowed to ask only one question. There were many other truth-seekers ahead of Marvin, so he had to wait nearly twenty years to see the great man. During that time, he lived in poverty, at the base of the mountain begging and doing menial tasks. When his turn finally came, he made the perilous journey up the snow-covered mountain, and waited for a week in the freezing cold in front of a cave, until the guru emerged.

"What is your question, my son?" the guru asked.

Marvin had been rehearsing this for years, and said, "Oh, wise one… What is the meaning of life?"

"Life, my son," said the guru ponderously, "is a deep well."

Marvin's jaw dropped open. He could not control his shock and anger. He screamed at the guru, "'Life is a deep well?' That's it? I've given up everything I owned, abandoned my friends and family, spent years living in abject poverty, even lost my toes to frostbite getting up here, and that's the best you can do? 'Life is a deep well?!'"

The guru looks at him quizzically. "What? You mean it isn't?"

There are four kinds of people in the UK -

2008-03-05T01:44:00.001-08:00

First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

English, the Irish and the Scots

2008-03-05T01:42:00.001-08:00

Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.

Kiwi

2008-03-05T01:38:00.001-08:00

What do kiwi's and sperm have in common?

They come by the millions and only a couple work.

An American tourist in Wales

2008-03-05T01:35:00.001-08:00

Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”

The quickest way

2008-03-05T01:32:00.001-08:00

A posh English gentleman came into a pub in Llandudno. He asked,

“Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?”

The landlord said,

“Are you walking or going by car?”

The Englishman answered, “By car, of course”

“That’s the quickest way,” said the landlord.

A Russian tourist in Wales

2008-03-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

One morning when Ianto Jones was walking to the post office in Llandudno he met a Russian tourist.

“I am looking for Dai,” said the tourist.

Ianto thought for a moment and asked,

“Dai the post?”

“No,” said the tourist.

“Dai the milk?”

“No,” said the tourist.

“Dai the bread?”

“No,” said the tourist and he whispered into Ianto’s ear,

The collection

2008-03-05T01:29:00.001-08:00

Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.

“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”

“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”

“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”

Inheritance

2008-03-05T01:26:00.000-08:00

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

Luftwaffe

2008-02-27T03:09:00.003-08:00

Jock was out working the field when a Fokker landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

Auction

2008-02-27T03:09:00.001-08:00

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Scottish father in law

2008-02-27T03:08:00.004-08:00

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

Old Scottish Immigrant

2008-02-27T03:08:00.003-08:00

Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."

Last wish

2008-02-27T03:08:00.001-08:00

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

The Caddie

2008-02-27T03:07:00.004-08:00

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.

"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

Return to work

2008-02-27T03:07:00.003-08:00

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!

Legless

2008-02-27T03:07:00.001-08:00

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

Burgerking

2008-02-26T02:39:00.000-08:00

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

Three blondes are stuck

2008-02-26T02:32:00.002-08:00

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Disney Land

2008-02-26T02:32:00.001-08:00

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.

A dead Bird

2008-02-26T02:30:00.002-08:00

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

At a convention of blondes,

2008-02-26T02:30:00.001-08:00

At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that the "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"

The blonde answered, "120."

"No," he said, "that’s not right."

The audience called out, "Give her another chance!"

So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"

Slowly the blonde replied, "16."

"Sorry", he said, shaking his head.

Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."

"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"

Carefully she ventured, "Four?"

And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

A police officer

2008-02-26T02:29:00.001-08:00

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

A teacher is instructing

2008-02-26T02:27:00.002-08:00

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

As a trucker stops for a red light,

2008-02-26T02:27:00.001-08:00

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

A blonde buys

2008-02-26T02:21:00.000-08:00

A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Monica Lewinsky

2008-02-25T09:40:00.001-08:00

===========================================================
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
===========================================================
What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.

The Top 16 Changes at the White House

2008-02-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

The Top 16 Changes at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy
16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine Albright by name.
15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out at midnight run to McDonald's.
14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch every time he hears "Bad boy."
13. President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.
12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.
11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.
10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
9. Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading: "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"
8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.
7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.
6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.
5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.
4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.
3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.
2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President. The Number 1 Change at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy...
1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.

BILL CLINTON'S

2008-02-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a snake?
A: One is spineless, has a forked tongue and is a threat to humans. The other is a reptile
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BILL CLINTON'S NEW BOOK: "HOW TO GET AHEAD IN POLITICS"
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What happens if Bill Clinton gets a shot of testosterone?
He turns into Hillary.
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Several politicians had a meeting with the Wizard of Oz...
First, Newt Gingrich went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Al Gore. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Bob Dole. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
And the Wiz said, "So be it".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
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Friends

2008-02-25T09:37:00.000-08:00

BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

2008-02-25T09:36:00.000-08:00

What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

a birthday present

2008-02-25T09:14:00.000-08:00

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!

Clinton Jokes

2008-02-24T07:50:00.001-08:00

There were 5 presidents on the Titanic--Carter, Reagan, Bush, Nixon and Clinton. As the Titanic hit the iceberg...Bush exclaimed, "We hit an Iceberg" Reagan queried, "We hit what?" Carter declared, "Save the women and children!" Nixon said, "Screw the women!" Clinton asked, "Do we have time?"
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What is the difference between greeting the Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
You only have to get on one knee to greet the Queen.
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What do you get when you ask Clinton to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
Three different answers.
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They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.
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A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making Ross Perot, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton."
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What does Bill say to Hillary after Great sex.
Honey I'll be home in 15 minutes.
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A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
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Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore?
Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.

Wendy

2008-02-19T05:04:00.001-08:00

A white guy named Joe falls madly in love with this bartender named Wendy, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis.

She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man.

Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?"

The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."