Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another..
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
Friday, 16 May 2008
North of England
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Unusual
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your Hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would
you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan..'
She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your Hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would
you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan..'
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
The Fire brigade phones George
The Fire brigade phones George
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 13:00
A man calls the fire department and says
A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:57
A fireman and policeman died and
A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then
one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A fire chief died and went to heaven.
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have
to wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white
helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A firefighter died and went to
A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:53
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
There was a huge fire at a big city soda
There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,
"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
Three firefighters went out on a hunting
Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there
five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 13:00
A man calls the fire department and says
A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:57
A fireman and policeman died and
A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then
one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A fire chief died and went to heaven.
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have
to wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white
helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A firefighter died and went to
A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:53
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
There was a huge fire at a big city soda
There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,
"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
Three firefighters went out on a hunting
Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there
five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."
Friday, 14 March 2008
Jealousy
An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief
when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out
laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out
laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
Moth to a flame
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England.
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver
the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do,
Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and
holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."
Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern,
Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A
beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the
Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver
the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do,
Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and
holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."
Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern,
Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A
beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the
Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
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