Three travelers, A Welshman, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
Monday, 18 February 2008
A Welshman, a Russian and an African
Three travelers, A Welshman, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the
garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures"..
ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the
garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures"..
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by
terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts
talking."
terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts
talking."
One day 3 men
One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a
Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the
bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his
pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American
both yelled out "What the hell did you do that for?" The
Frenchie just shrugged and said "We've got too much of that in
our country" The American, catching the Frencies drift, pulled
out a pack of ciggaretes and threw them over the bridge. The
Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, "What the hell did
you do that for?" The american shrugged and said "We have too
many of those in our country"
Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finnaly, he
picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The
American looked at him in dis belief and said "Why in gods name
did you do that?" and the Canadian replied, "We've got too many
of those in our country."
Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the
bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his
pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American
both yelled out "What the hell did you do that for?" The
Frenchie just shrugged and said "We've got too much of that in
our country" The American, catching the Frencies drift, pulled
out a pack of ciggaretes and threw them over the bridge. The
Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, "What the hell did
you do that for?" The american shrugged and said "We have too
many of those in our country"
Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finnaly, he
picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The
American looked at him in dis belief and said "Why in gods name
did you do that?" and the Canadian replied, "We've got too many
of those in our country."
Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just infront of the
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.
Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.
A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs
sir."
Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."
The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.
Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.
A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs
sir."
Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."
The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."
A Load of Old Irish
The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.
An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.
'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.'
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'
'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.
The two continue to stare.
'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'
'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
Why do Irish women have black tits?
They don't take their bras off before they burn them.
Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
Ties the victims' legs together so they can't escape.
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
Took him eight hours to get his family out.
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coat hanger to get them out.
What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
He then has more brains in his stomach than in his head.
What does an Irishman have inside his head?
A piece of paper with brain written on it.
Heard about the latest innovation in Irish submarines?
Screen windows to keep the fish out.
Why is the suicide rate low among the Irish?
It's pretty hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement.
Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
If you can't lick them then join them.
What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
Lucky.
Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
The arsehole rejected him seven days later.
What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A liar.
How can you pick the Irish pirate?
He wears a patch over both eyes.
Why do Irish council workers only have 10 minute tea breaks?
If they spend any longer they need to be retrained.
Why did the Irish stop making ice blocks?
The old lady who knew the recipe died.
What has an IQ. of 180?
Ireland.
What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Irishmen.
What's the fastest game in he world?
Pass the parcel in an Irish pub.
Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
What caused the New York blackout?
Four Irishmen hooking up a doorbell.
What happens to an Irishman who picks his nose?
His head collapses.
Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
What's red and runs around a tennis court?
Unborn Borg or Foetus Gerulaitis.
The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.
An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.
'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.'
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'
'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.
The two continue to stare.
'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'
'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
Why do Irish women have black tits?
They don't take their bras off before they burn them.
Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
Ties the victims' legs together so they can't escape.
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
Took him eight hours to get his family out.
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coat hanger to get them out.
What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
He then has more brains in his stomach than in his head.
What does an Irishman have inside his head?
A piece of paper with brain written on it.
Heard about the latest innovation in Irish submarines?
Screen windows to keep the fish out.
Why is the suicide rate low among the Irish?
It's pretty hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement.
Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
If you can't lick them then join them.
What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
Lucky.
Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
The arsehole rejected him seven days later.
What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A liar.
How can you pick the Irish pirate?
He wears a patch over both eyes.
Why do Irish council workers only have 10 minute tea breaks?
If they spend any longer they need to be retrained.
Why did the Irish stop making ice blocks?
The old lady who knew the recipe died.
What has an IQ. of 180?
Ireland.
What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Irishmen.
What's the fastest game in he world?
Pass the parcel in an Irish pub.
Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
What caused the New York blackout?
Four Irishmen hooking up a doorbell.
What happens to an Irishman who picks his nose?
His head collapses.
Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
What's red and runs around a tennis court?
Unborn Borg or Foetus Gerulaitis.
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