Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral Of The Story
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
Monday, 18 February 2008
Doctors office
A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head. The doctor leaps up and says: "Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"
The frog looks down and replies: "I dun no Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!
The frog looks down and replies: "I dun no Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!
The noted biologist
Jim Finley, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finley went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trump looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a dash of that, and most critically, one part sodium.
"You mean?.... " Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
"You mean?.... " Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
A little monkey business
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.
The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl,
she levitates six inches from the bed."
The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous
love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting'
me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me penis on the curtains...and
she goes through the fregin roof!!"
The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl,
she levitates six inches from the bed."
The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous
love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting'
me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me penis on the curtains...and
she goes through the fregin roof!!"
English bloke
One day an English bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.
The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.
An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.
"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"
So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.
The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.
An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.
"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"
So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.
An Australian ventriloquist
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his
dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
him?
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.
The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.
The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.
The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
New Zealander: The sheep's a liar.
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his
dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
him?
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.
The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.
The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.
The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
New Zealander: The sheep's a liar.
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