English, the Irish and the Scots

Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.

Kiwi

What do kiwi's and sperm have in common?

They come by the millions and only a couple work.

An American tourist in Wales

Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”

The quickest way

A posh English gentleman came into a pub in Llandudno. He asked,

“Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?”

The landlord said,

“Are you walking or going by car?”

The Englishman answered, “By car, of course”

“That’s the quickest way,” said the landlord.

A Russian tourist in Wales

One morning when Ianto Jones was walking to the post office in Llandudno he met a Russian tourist.

“I am looking for Dai,” said the tourist.

Ianto thought for a moment and asked,

“Dai the post?”

“No,” said the tourist.

“Dai the milk?”

“No,” said the tourist.

“Dai the bread?”

“No,” said the tourist and he whispered into Ianto’s ear,

The collection

Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.

“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”

“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”

“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”

Inheritance

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"