The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
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I overheard two dissatisfied bingo regulars talking today, one was saying that he was going to work for Euro Disney because he was fed up with his present job and wanted to work for a real Mickey Mouse Operation.
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Labor or Hard Labor.....you decide!
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x 8'cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
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Sunday, 17 February 2008
Some more joks
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Hotel Guest: 'Can you give me a room and a bath, please?' Receptionist: 'I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath.'
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A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked. "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?" "I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."
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Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
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My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.' The girl said, 'Tripe.' He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'
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Hotel Guest: 'Can you give me a room and a bath, please?' Receptionist: 'I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath.'
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A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked. "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?" "I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."
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Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
===============================================================
My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.' The girl said, 'Tripe.' He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'
Iraq
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and an American all walk into a bar, buy a drink, and go outside. The Mexican grabs his drink, gulps it down, throws his glass in the air, shoots it and says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap, we don't ever have to drink with the same ones twice!" Feelin a lil cocky, the Iraqi says, "OK." He drinks his glass, throws it high in the air, shoots it with his AK-47 and says, "In Iraq, we have so much sand we never ever have to drink with the same glass twice!" Then the American gets up from his chair, cool as a cucumber, throws his beer bottle in the air, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, catches his bottle and says, "Well in MY country, we have so many damn Mexicans and Iraqis that we dont ever have to drink with the same ones twice!" Amen
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Mines and health
Welsh health lecturer: "The two most debilitating diseases in Wales are silicosis and syphilis. Silicosis you get by going down a shaft
An undertaker at a funeral was talking to a very old man from the next village.
"Tell me," he said, "how old are you now?"
"I shall be eighty-nine on my next birthday", was the reply.
"Really?", said the undertaker, "it's hardly worth your going home, is it?"
An undertaker at a funeral was talking to a very old man from the next village.
"Tell me," he said, "how old are you now?"
"I shall be eighty-nine on my next birthday", was the reply.
"Really?", said the undertaker, "it's hardly worth your going home, is it?"
Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game
Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
Irish A Dublin Jew
Irish A Dublin Jew
A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.
A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says, "Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and now he asks me riddles!"
A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.
A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says, "Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and now he asks me riddles!"
Middle east history lesson
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
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