Jealousy

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief

when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out

laughing.

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."

Moth to a flame

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England.

No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver

the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do,

Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and

holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern,

Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A

beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the

Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

An Irishman took a photograph

An Irishman took a photograph of his son to the chemist. 'I wonder,' he said, 'could you enlarge this for me?' 'Yes, certainly,' the chemist replied. 'And would it be possible for you to take his hat off for me?' 'Well, I'm sure we could do something. Yes, we could touch it up for you.' 'Oh, that's fine.' 'Tell me,' said the chemist, 'which side does your son part his hair?' The Irishman smiled. 'Oh, come on now. You'll see that when you take his hat off.'

Irish scientists

Did you hear about the two Irish scientists who sent a rocket to the sun without any heat shields? It was alright though; they sent it up at night.

Irish

What do you call an Irish spider?
Paddy long legs.

A man goes to see a doctor. He prods himself in the arm, legs and torso with his finger, complaining that he is in agony whenever he does this. The doctor asks the man if he is Irish. "Yes," replies the man. "I thought so," said the doctor, "your finger is broken."

Down in Boca

Morty and Sylvia finally sell their big house on Long Island and move to fancy digs in Boca. They're on their way out to dinner, when Sylvia comes into the living room and asks her husband, "Darling, do you think this Chanel suit is OK, or should I wear my beaded Oscar de la Renta dress?"

Morty barely looks up from the TV and says indifferently "Wear whatever you like, darling. You look lovely in either."

Ten minutes later, she's back. "Should I wear my diamond earrings or the emerald and sapphire ones you bought me for my birthday?"

"Either one," he mumbles with growing impatience.

Soon she's back, modeling shoes. "Should I wear these Gucci sandals or the Ferragamos?"

"Enough already!" says Morty angrily, "If you don't get your act right now, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special!"

Saving Money

Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.