Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another..
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
Friday 16 May 2008
North of England
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Unusual
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your Hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would
you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan..'
She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your Hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would
you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan..'
Wednesday 14 May 2008
The Fire brigade phones George
The Fire brigade phones George
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 13:00
A man calls the fire department and says
A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:57
A fireman and policeman died and
A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then
one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A fire chief died and went to heaven.
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have
to wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white
helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A firefighter died and went to
A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:53
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
There was a huge fire at a big city soda
There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,
"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
Three firefighters went out on a hunting
Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there
five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 13:00
A man calls the fire department and says
A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:57
A fireman and policeman died and
A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then
one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policemans wings fell off.
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A fire chief died and went to heaven.
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have
to wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white
helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:54
A firefighter died and went to
A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."
Posted by Dirk in Firefighter Jokes at 12:53
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
There was a huge fire at a big city soda
There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,
"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
Three firefighters went out on a hunting
Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there
five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last
A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."
Friday 14 March 2008
Jealousy
An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief
when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out
laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out
laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
Moth to a flame
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England.
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver
the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do,
Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and
holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."
Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern,
Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A
beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the
Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver
the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do,
Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and
holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."
Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern,
Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A
beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the
Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
An Irishman took a photograph
An Irishman took a photograph of his son to the chemist. 'I wonder,' he said, 'could you enlarge this for me?' 'Yes, certainly,' the chemist replied. 'And would it be possible for you to take his hat off for me?' 'Well, I'm sure we could do something. Yes, we could touch it up for you.' 'Oh, that's fine.' 'Tell me,' said the chemist, 'which side does your son part his hair?' The Irishman smiled. 'Oh, come on now. You'll see that when you take his hat off.'
Irish scientists
Did you hear about the two Irish scientists who sent a rocket to the sun without any heat shields? It was alright though; they sent it up at night.
Irish
What do you call an Irish spider?
Paddy long legs.
A man goes to see a doctor. He prods himself in the arm, legs and torso with his finger, complaining that he is in agony whenever he does this. The doctor asks the man if he is Irish. "Yes," replies the man. "I thought so," said the doctor, "your finger is broken."
Paddy long legs.
A man goes to see a doctor. He prods himself in the arm, legs and torso with his finger, complaining that he is in agony whenever he does this. The doctor asks the man if he is Irish. "Yes," replies the man. "I thought so," said the doctor, "your finger is broken."
Down in Boca
Morty and Sylvia finally sell their big house on Long Island and move to fancy digs in Boca. They're on their way out to dinner, when Sylvia comes into the living room and asks her husband, "Darling, do you think this Chanel suit is OK, or should I wear my beaded Oscar de la Renta dress?"
Morty barely looks up from the TV and says indifferently "Wear whatever you like, darling. You look lovely in either."
Ten minutes later, she's back. "Should I wear my diamond earrings or the emerald and sapphire ones you bought me for my birthday?"
"Either one," he mumbles with growing impatience.
Soon she's back, modeling shoes. "Should I wear these Gucci sandals or the Ferragamos?"
"Enough already!" says Morty angrily, "If you don't get your act right now, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special!"
Morty barely looks up from the TV and says indifferently "Wear whatever you like, darling. You look lovely in either."
Ten minutes later, she's back. "Should I wear my diamond earrings or the emerald and sapphire ones you bought me for my birthday?"
"Either one," he mumbles with growing impatience.
Soon she's back, modeling shoes. "Should I wear these Gucci sandals or the Ferragamos?"
"Enough already!" says Morty angrily, "If you don't get your act right now, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special!"
Saving Money
Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.
American Football
During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"
Thursday 13 March 2008
Maggie
"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."
Have you heard about the lecherous Jock
Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
He sold her four of them.
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man
A Scotsmen and a Jewish manwere having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
French War Hero
A French boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of a French War Hero!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a real part, instead of a fictional character."
Filofax
Filipino telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
One day
One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
Two Americans are talking.
Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
An English man, German and a Scottish man
An English man, German and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The German says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Germany. Where you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the German replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the German replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
Wednesday 12 March 2008
The philosophical Scotland supporter
A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the match with England was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."
A wealthy earl
A wealthy earl went salmon fishing in Ireland. After a fortnight without a bite he eventually hooked one small salmon. As Paddy, his ghillie, landed it, the earl said, 'Do you know, that salmon cost me two hundred pounds?' 'Ah,' said Paddy, 'aren't you the lucky man that you didn't catch two.'
The worst Irish aviation disaster..
Did you hear about the worst Irish aviation disaster... A light aircraft crashed into a grave yard, the police have recovered 800 bodies!
A kiwi was attending a test cricket
A kiwi was attending a test cricket match In Australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opinion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!
Phone Sex
A Welsh blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !
Better than saying I Love you
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU...
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!
A Classy Lady
Esther Fishbein's husband, Morty, had a few good seasons in a row and finally the Fishbeins moved to a fancy, shmancy neighborhood. Being just a butcher's daughter from Brooklyn, Esther was hardly sophisticated, but she was desperate to fit in with her wealthy, high class neighbors.
Now that they could afford it, she was determined to become a real lady. She had her home decorated by the most exclusive designer and paid a fortune for genuine antique furniture. She took speech lessons to lose her Brooklyn accent. For a year, she went to finishing school to learn proper manners and behavior. Finally, Esther decides it's time to show off her new sophistication. But what would be the best way to prove to her fancy neighbors that she was, indeed, one of them? After all, she could hardly invite them to play Mah Johnng. One of her instructors suggests she host a formal tea. She could hire a few musicians to play chamber music; have an English butler serve the tea with little sandwiches. Esther could just picture it! A real swanky affair! So, she sends out printed announcements and invites the ladies to her home.
The day of the party arrives. Her home looks magnificent. The butler is serving. The chamber music is playing. Things are going very well. Esther is fitting right in. In fact, she's the life of the party.
One of the ladies remarks, "Oh! I do so love Beethoven! And Mozart! Don't you just love Mozart?" she asks Esther.
Esther is caught a little off guard. "Oh. Sure. Mozart. I love Mozart. In fact, I just ran into him last week on the A train out to Coney Island..."
Suddenly, conversations stops. The room becomes deathly quiet. The guests quickly make their excuses and leave one by one until Esther is alone with Morty.
Morty says, "I can't believe you did that, Esther! Three million dollars I spend on this house. Six thousand dollars I spend for you to go to finishing school! New clothes! Musicians! A butler! And you ruin it all by saying something like that? How could you be so stupid!? ... Everybody KNOWS the A train doesn't go to Coney Island!!!"
Now that they could afford it, she was determined to become a real lady. She had her home decorated by the most exclusive designer and paid a fortune for genuine antique furniture. She took speech lessons to lose her Brooklyn accent. For a year, she went to finishing school to learn proper manners and behavior. Finally, Esther decides it's time to show off her new sophistication. But what would be the best way to prove to her fancy neighbors that she was, indeed, one of them? After all, she could hardly invite them to play Mah Johnng. One of her instructors suggests she host a formal tea. She could hire a few musicians to play chamber music; have an English butler serve the tea with little sandwiches. Esther could just picture it! A real swanky affair! So, she sends out printed announcements and invites the ladies to her home.
The day of the party arrives. Her home looks magnificent. The butler is serving. The chamber music is playing. Things are going very well. Esther is fitting right in. In fact, she's the life of the party.
One of the ladies remarks, "Oh! I do so love Beethoven! And Mozart! Don't you just love Mozart?" she asks Esther.
Esther is caught a little off guard. "Oh. Sure. Mozart. I love Mozart. In fact, I just ran into him last week on the A train out to Coney Island..."
Suddenly, conversations stops. The room becomes deathly quiet. The guests quickly make their excuses and leave one by one until Esther is alone with Morty.
Morty says, "I can't believe you did that, Esther! Three million dollars I spend on this house. Six thousand dollars I spend for you to go to finishing school! New clothes! Musicians! A butler! And you ruin it all by saying something like that? How could you be so stupid!? ... Everybody KNOWS the A train doesn't go to Coney Island!!!"
Another Tragic Accident
Another Tragic Accident
Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"I make a living."
Poor Lipkowitz was hit by a crosstown bus, and lay in the middle of 57th Street, bruised and bleeding. Pedestrians ran to assist him. A kind woman takes off her sweater, rolls it up and gently lays it under his head.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"I make a living."
Tuesday 11 March 2008
The Earl
When the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statue of Lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?" "Does your lordship mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?" "Is it not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a dead sheep has only two: the fore legs are shoulders; but there are but two legs of mutton."
Joe wanted to be an accountant
Joe wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.
Tester: If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?
Joe: Seven!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?
Joe: Seven!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Joe: Six.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?
Joe: Seven!
Tester : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two sheep is seven?
Joe: I've already got one sheep at home!
Tester: If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?
Joe: Seven!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?
Joe: Seven!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Joe: Six.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two sheep, two sheep, and another two sheep, how many sheep have you got?
Joe: Seven!
Tester : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two sheep is seven?
Joe: I've already got one sheep at home!
Sheep Song
(To be sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Sheep are very sweet, They go baaaaa and bleat,
They're as white as a sheet, Sheep are very sweet!
They live in the fields, Have their daytime meals,
I knew one once called Neil, And he lived in the fields!
Chorus
Sheep are woolly, Sheep are fooly, Sheep are very dumb.
They don't know a thing at all, And they don't learn from their mum.
Baaaaaaah!
Sheep are very sweet, They go baaaaa and bleat,
They're as white as a sheet, Sheep are very sweet!
They live in the fields, Have their daytime meals,
I knew one once called Neil, And he lived in the fields!
Chorus
Sheep are woolly, Sheep are fooly, Sheep are very dumb.
They don't know a thing at all, And they don't learn from their mum.
Baaaaaaah!
The Queen
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Lazy
The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said.
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
A Jackeroo rides
A Jackeroo rides into town after months of rustling. He ties the horse out the front of the pub, dusts off his pants, and then walks around to the back of the horse and runs his lips along the crack of the horses ass. He heads into the bar, and asks the barmen for a glass of beer. The barmen says, "Listen mate, can I just ask why you ran your lips along the crack of your horses ass ?".He replies, "I've got chapped lips".The barmen replies, "does that cure them ?". The jackeroo replies, "no but it sure stops me licken 'em".
Tell a Lie
I met my 6-year-old son at the bus one day after I'd gotten a new haircut. Although it felt great, my new look had the effect of making my already substantial nose seem even more prominent. The next morning I awoke to Julian softly running his fingers across my face, clearly deep in thought. "Mom," he asked seriously, "did you tell a lie?"
Lost in Transition
A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Monday 10 March 2008
The French
The French
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
A German atheist
A German atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Three Insurance salesmen
Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service.
The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!"
The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!"
McDougal
McDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained. "The dog can walk back home from England but he'll never swim the Atlantic."
Jim was speeding along the road
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A guy is at the pearly gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
An English man
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
A bloke
A bloke has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car. There seems to be lots of damage. The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy". The bloke says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"
Sunday 9 March 2008
A good-looking horse
An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.
“How much do you want for this horse?” asked the Englishman.
Dai Davies answered, “This horse doesn’t look good these days.”
The Englishman said, “I’ve been trading horses all my life and there’s nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what’s good-looking and what’s not.”
“Two thousand pounds,” said Dai.
“Deal,” said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,
“You didn’t tell me this horse was blind!”
Dai said, “But I told you this horse didn’t look good.”
“How much do you want for this horse?” asked the Englishman.
Dai Davies answered, “This horse doesn’t look good these days.”
The Englishman said, “I’ve been trading horses all my life and there’s nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what’s good-looking and what’s not.”
“Two thousand pounds,” said Dai.
“Deal,” said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,
“You didn’t tell me this horse was blind!”
Dai said, “But I told you this horse didn’t look good.”
The Wife
A man was running late for the office one day, so he was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I've just seen on the TV that there's a maniac going down the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It's not just one, it's all of them.
The Wife
Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
The bald man
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
On a Train
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
German Going off to war
PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay home and run the farm.
Enemies in the West
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
Thursday 6 March 2008
Frog Jokes
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a small dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What happens when you drink Frognog?
You croak.
How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide
There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer said: "well, do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
They Kermit suicide.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a small dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What happens when you drink Frognog?
You croak.
How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide
There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer said: "well, do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
Three-legged chicken
Three-legged chicken
An American holidaymaker was driving through a village near Llanidloes. Suddenly he saw a chicken with three legs! He stopped the car but when he got near the chicken, it ran away like the wind. Then the American saw a local farmer and asked him,
“Have you seen a three-legged chicken running down the road?”
“Possibly,” said the farmer “I have been breeding three-legged chickens for years to sell to families of three people who all like a chicken leg on Sunday.”
“And what do such chickens taste like?”
“I don’t know, mate, we haven’t caught one yet.”
An American holidaymaker was driving through a village near Llanidloes. Suddenly he saw a chicken with three legs! He stopped the car but when he got near the chicken, it ran away like the wind. Then the American saw a local farmer and asked him,
“Have you seen a three-legged chicken running down the road?”
“Possibly,” said the farmer “I have been breeding three-legged chickens for years to sell to families of three people who all like a chicken leg on Sunday.”
“And what do such chickens taste like?”
“I don’t know, mate, we haven’t caught one yet.”
Richer than the Rothschilds
Richer than the Rothschilds
"You know, Moishe, if I were as rich as the Rothschilds, I'd be richer than the Rothschilds."
"Really? How do you figure that, Heshie?"
"Well, I'd do a little teaching on the side."
"You know, Moishe, if I were as rich as the Rothschilds, I'd be richer than the Rothschilds."
"Really? How do you figure that, Heshie?"
"Well, I'd do a little teaching on the side."
Scottish bus driver
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"? "Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"? "Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.
Eskimo Talk
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
Aussie Couple
A couple were celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary one night, & decided to continue in the bedroom. But before they started, the wife said, honey what did you think when you first saw me naked? The man replied I wanted to f#?k your brains out & suck your breasts dry.The wife then said what do you think now when you see me naked? He replied, it looks like I did a pretty good Job!!
Scots Jokes
A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.
How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.
Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish.
Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.
How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.
Did you hear about the Scottish kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.
Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.
How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.
Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the hardware store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish.
Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?
A moving target is harder to hit.
How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.
Did you hear about the Scottish kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.
Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Something Wrong
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.
"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.
Wednesday 5 March 2008
Marvin and the Guru
Marvin was a deeply spiritual man, a seeker of truth. He went to synagogue every week for years, but eventually realized his soul needed more than Judaism could give him. He tried Buddhism, Christianity, a wide assortment of New Age religions, but he still felt spiritually empty.
One day, he heard about a great guru living atop the highest mountain in India who had all the answers. He sold all his worldly possessions, bid goodbye to his friends and family, and headed east. Once on the subcontinent, he learned that the guru would agree to see only one person a year and that person would be allowed to ask only one question. There were many other truth-seekers ahead of Marvin, so he had to wait nearly twenty years to see the great man. During that time, he lived in poverty, at the base of the mountain begging and doing menial tasks. When his turn finally came, he made the perilous journey up the snow-covered mountain, and waited for a week in the freezing cold in front of a cave, until the guru emerged.
"What is your question, my son?" the guru asked.
Marvin had been rehearsing this for years, and said, "Oh, wise one… What is the meaning of life?"
"Life, my son," said the guru ponderously, "is a deep well."
Marvin's jaw dropped open. He could not control his shock and anger. He screamed at the guru, "'Life is a deep well?' That's it? I've given up everything I owned, abandoned my friends and family, spent years living in abject poverty, even lost my toes to frostbite getting up here, and that's the best you can do? 'Life is a deep well?!'"
The guru looks at him quizzically. "What? You mean it isn't?"
One day, he heard about a great guru living atop the highest mountain in India who had all the answers. He sold all his worldly possessions, bid goodbye to his friends and family, and headed east. Once on the subcontinent, he learned that the guru would agree to see only one person a year and that person would be allowed to ask only one question. There were many other truth-seekers ahead of Marvin, so he had to wait nearly twenty years to see the great man. During that time, he lived in poverty, at the base of the mountain begging and doing menial tasks. When his turn finally came, he made the perilous journey up the snow-covered mountain, and waited for a week in the freezing cold in front of a cave, until the guru emerged.
"What is your question, my son?" the guru asked.
Marvin had been rehearsing this for years, and said, "Oh, wise one… What is the meaning of life?"
"Life, my son," said the guru ponderously, "is a deep well."
Marvin's jaw dropped open. He could not control his shock and anger. He screamed at the guru, "'Life is a deep well?' That's it? I've given up everything I owned, abandoned my friends and family, spent years living in abject poverty, even lost my toes to frostbite getting up here, and that's the best you can do? 'Life is a deep well?!'"
The guru looks at him quizzically. "What? You mean it isn't?"
There are four kinds of people in the UK -
First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
English, the Irish and the Scots
Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
An American tourist in Wales
Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.
“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”
“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”
The quickest way
A posh English gentleman came into a pub in Llandudno. He asked,
“Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?”
The landlord said,
“Are you walking or going by car?”
The Englishman answered, “By car, of course”
“That’s the quickest way,” said the landlord.
“Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?”
The landlord said,
“Are you walking or going by car?”
The Englishman answered, “By car, of course”
“That’s the quickest way,” said the landlord.
A Russian tourist in Wales
One morning when Ianto Jones was walking to the post office in Llandudno he met a Russian tourist.
“I am looking for Dai,” said the tourist.
Ianto thought for a moment and asked,
“Dai the post?”
“No,” said the tourist.
“Dai the milk?”
“No,” said the tourist.
“Dai the bread?”
“No,” said the tourist and he whispered into Ianto’s ear,
“I am looking for Dai,” said the tourist.
Ianto thought for a moment and asked,
“Dai the post?”
“No,” said the tourist.
“Dai the milk?”
“No,” said the tourist.
“Dai the bread?”
“No,” said the tourist and he whispered into Ianto’s ear,
The collection
Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.
“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”
“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”
“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”
“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”
“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”
“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”
Inheritance
Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
Wednesday 27 February 2008
Luftwaffe
Jock was out working the field when a Fokker landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Auction
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
Scottish father in law
Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear
Old Scottish Immigrant
Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."
Last wish
A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"
The Caddie
Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
Return to work
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
Legless
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
Tuesday 26 February 2008
Burgerking
A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
Three blondes are stuck
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
Disney Land
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
A dead Bird
A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
At a convention of blondes,
At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that the "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"
The blonde answered, "120."
"No," he said, "that’s not right."
The audience called out, "Give her another chance!"
So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"
Slowly the blonde replied, "16."
"Sorry", he said, shaking his head.
Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."
"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"
Carefully she ventured, "Four?"
And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The blonde answered, "120."
"No," he said, "that’s not right."
The audience called out, "Give her another chance!"
So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"
Slowly the blonde replied, "16."
"Sorry", he said, shaking his head.
Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."
"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"
Carefully she ventured, "Four?"
And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
A police officer
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A teacher is instructing
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"
As a trucker stops for a red light,
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
A blonde buys
A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Monday 25 February 2008
Monica Lewinsky
===========================================================
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
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What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
===========================================================
What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.
The Top 16 Changes at the White House
The Top 16 Changes at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy
16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine Albright by name.
15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out at midnight run to McDonald's.
14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch every time he hears "Bad boy."
13. President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.
12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.
11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.
10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
9. Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading: "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"
8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.
7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.
6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.
5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.
4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.
3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.
2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President. The Number 1 Change at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy...
1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.
16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine Albright by name.
15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out at midnight run to McDonald's.
14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch every time he hears "Bad boy."
13. President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.
12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.
11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.
10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
9. Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading: "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"
8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.
7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.
6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.
5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.
4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.
3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.
2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President. The Number 1 Change at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy...
1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.
BILL CLINTON'S
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a snake?
A: One is spineless, has a forked tongue and is a threat to humans. The other is a reptile
----------------------------------------------------------------
BILL CLINTON'S NEW BOOK: "HOW TO GET AHEAD IN POLITICS"
----------------------------------------------------------------
What happens if Bill Clinton gets a shot of testosterone?
He turns into Hillary.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Several politicians had a meeting with the Wizard of Oz...
First, Newt Gingrich went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Al Gore. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Bob Dole. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
And the Wiz said, "So be it".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
A: One is spineless, has a forked tongue and is a threat to humans. The other is a reptile
----------------------------------------------------------------
BILL CLINTON'S NEW BOOK: "HOW TO GET AHEAD IN POLITICS"
----------------------------------------------------------------
What happens if Bill Clinton gets a shot of testosterone?
He turns into Hillary.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Several politicians had a meeting with the Wizard of Oz...
First, Newt Gingrich went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Al Gore. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Bob Dole. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
And the Wiz said, "So be it".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Friends
BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
Sunday 24 February 2008
Clinton Jokes
There were 5 presidents on the Titanic--Carter, Reagan, Bush, Nixon and Clinton. As the Titanic hit the iceberg...Bush exclaimed, "We hit an Iceberg" Reagan queried, "We hit what?" Carter declared, "Save the women and children!" Nixon said, "Screw the women!" Clinton asked, "Do we have time?"
====================================================================
What is the difference between greeting the Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
You only have to get on one knee to greet the Queen.
====================================================================
What do you get when you ask Clinton to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
Three different answers.
=========================================
They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.
===========================================================
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making Ross Perot, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton."
===========================================================
What does Bill say to Hillary after Great sex.
Honey I'll be home in 15 minutes.
===========================================================
A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
===========================================================
Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore?
Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.
====================================================================
What is the difference between greeting the Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
You only have to get on one knee to greet the Queen.
====================================================================
What do you get when you ask Clinton to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
Three different answers.
=========================================
They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.
===========================================================
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making Ross Perot, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton."
===========================================================
What does Bill say to Hillary after Great sex.
Honey I'll be home in 15 minutes.
===========================================================
A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
===========================================================
Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore?
Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.
Tuesday 19 February 2008
Wendy
A white guy named Joe falls madly in love with this bartender named Wendy, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis.
She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man.
Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?"
The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."
She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man.
Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?"
The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."
tequila
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Drunkerd
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
Blind
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Airline 2008
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window."Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?" The pilot confirmed that they were.The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
The Blonde and the plane
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Iron horse
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teapot whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teapot into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the noise, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the Apache guy, "Why'd you bust up my teapot?" The desert man replies, "Shii' kiis', you gotta kill these things when they're small."
An Apache guy
An Apache guy, who had spent his whole life in the desert, goes to visit a friend who had moved to town. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
BAM!!, he's hit by the train and tossed to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was lucky enough to live through it with a few broken bones and some bruises.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
BAM!!, he's hit by the train and tossed to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was lucky enough to live through it with a few broken bones and some bruises.
Whats in Hell
A Dine' guy is sitting in a bus stop with two old Anglo men. The first Anglo guy says, "Hey Herb, where you going for vacation this year?" Herb tells him, "I'm going to Montana to fish this year", The first guy looks at him and exclaims, "What you want to go there fer? They ain't nothin but a bunch of damned Indians up there." Herb then says, "Well, where you goin?" The first guy says, "I'm going to Arizona and soak up some sun!" Herb looks at him and yells, "You moron, there's nothing but a bunch of Indians in Arizona!" Then the little Dine' guy speaks up and comments, "Why don't you both just go to hell! There's no Indians there."
A Cheyenne man
A Cheyenne man goes into a grocery store, and asks for a package of toilet paper. The clerk offers him 3 kinds, Charmin, Best Brand, and Generic. The Cheyenne man takes the generic. He comes back in a week later, throws the remainder of the toilet paper at the store clerk and says, "I don't want no cheap John Wayne toilet paper!" The clerk laughs and says, "It's not John Wayne toilet paper, it's GENERIC toilet paper." The Cheyenne guy tells him, 'You can call it whatever you want, but it's rough, tough, and won't take crap off nobody!"
Monday 18 February 2008
Jokes
Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser.
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Why do skunks argue when crossing the road?
Cause they like to raise a stink.
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Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser.
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Why do skunks argue when crossing the road?
Cause they like to raise a stink.
==========================================================================
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Giant Bug
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said,
"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said,
"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.
De-clawed
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
A butcher
A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
"Clever, my ass," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
"Clever, my ass," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
French Foreign Legion fort
Two guys are on duty at a French Foreign Legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.
The other guy says no way.
So, the first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks. Reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. Camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy. I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes.
The second guy says, " You got me last time. But there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes."
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says,"Remember me?".
The camel nods.....
The other guy says no way.
So, the first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks. Reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. Camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy. I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes.
The second guy says, " You got me last time. But there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes."
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says,"Remember me?".
The camel nods.....
Rollo the dog
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!"
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!"
Once upon a time
Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral Of The Story
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
The Moral Of The Story
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
Doctors office
A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head. The doctor leaps up and says: "Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"
The frog looks down and replies: "I dun no Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!
The frog looks down and replies: "I dun no Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!
The noted biologist
Jim Finley, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finley went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trump looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a dash of that, and most critically, one part sodium.
"You mean?.... " Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
"You mean?.... " Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
A little monkey business
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.
The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl,
she levitates six inches from the bed."
The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous
love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting'
me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me penis on the curtains...and
she goes through the fregin roof!!"
The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl,
she levitates six inches from the bed."
The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous
love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting'
me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me penis on the curtains...and
she goes through the fregin roof!!"
English bloke
One day an English bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.
The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.
An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.
"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"
So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.
The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.
An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.
"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"
So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.
An Australian ventriloquist
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his
dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
him?
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.
The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.
The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.
The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
New Zealander: The sheep's a liar.
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his
dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
him?
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.
The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.
The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.
The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
New Zealander: The sheep's a liar.
U can't Fly
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy son-of-a-gun!"
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy son-of-a-gun!"
The Dog and the Duck
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
Police Dog goes for a job
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
Missing Ship
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
The Parrot again
A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
Animals
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.
They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.
They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that.....
==================================================================================
It was the dog!
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.
They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.
They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that.....
==================================================================================
It was the dog!
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Canadian, a American, and a Chinese
One time three people a Canadian, a American, and a Chinese
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you'd land in it. So they decided they'd try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the Canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the Chinese guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you'd land in it. So they decided they'd try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the Canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the Chinese guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.
A Welshman, a Russian and an African
Three travelers, A Welshman, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
A Welshman, a Russian and an African
Three travelers, A Welshman, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
amazed.
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the
garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures"..
ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the
garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures"..
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by
terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts
talking."
terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts
talking."
One day 3 men
One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a
Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the
bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his
pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American
both yelled out "What the hell did you do that for?" The
Frenchie just shrugged and said "We've got too much of that in
our country" The American, catching the Frencies drift, pulled
out a pack of ciggaretes and threw them over the bridge. The
Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, "What the hell did
you do that for?" The american shrugged and said "We have too
many of those in our country"
Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finnaly, he
picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The
American looked at him in dis belief and said "Why in gods name
did you do that?" and the Canadian replied, "We've got too many
of those in our country."
Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the
bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his
pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American
both yelled out "What the hell did you do that for?" The
Frenchie just shrugged and said "We've got too much of that in
our country" The American, catching the Frencies drift, pulled
out a pack of ciggaretes and threw them over the bridge. The
Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, "What the hell did
you do that for?" The american shrugged and said "We have too
many of those in our country"
Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finnaly, he
picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The
American looked at him in dis belief and said "Why in gods name
did you do that?" and the Canadian replied, "We've got too many
of those in our country."
Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just infront of the
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.
Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.
A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs
sir."
Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."
The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.
Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.
A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs
sir."
Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."
The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."
A Load of Old Irish
The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.
An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.
'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.'
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'
'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.
The two continue to stare.
'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'
'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
Why do Irish women have black tits?
They don't take their bras off before they burn them.
Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
Ties the victims' legs together so they can't escape.
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
Took him eight hours to get his family out.
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coat hanger to get them out.
What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
He then has more brains in his stomach than in his head.
What does an Irishman have inside his head?
A piece of paper with brain written on it.
Heard about the latest innovation in Irish submarines?
Screen windows to keep the fish out.
Why is the suicide rate low among the Irish?
It's pretty hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement.
Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
If you can't lick them then join them.
What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
Lucky.
Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
The arsehole rejected him seven days later.
What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A liar.
How can you pick the Irish pirate?
He wears a patch over both eyes.
Why do Irish council workers only have 10 minute tea breaks?
If they spend any longer they need to be retrained.
Why did the Irish stop making ice blocks?
The old lady who knew the recipe died.
What has an IQ. of 180?
Ireland.
What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Irishmen.
What's the fastest game in he world?
Pass the parcel in an Irish pub.
Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
What caused the New York blackout?
Four Irishmen hooking up a doorbell.
What happens to an Irishman who picks his nose?
His head collapses.
Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
What's red and runs around a tennis court?
Unborn Borg or Foetus Gerulaitis.
The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.
An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.
'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.'
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'
'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.
The two continue to stare.
'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'
'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
Why do Irish women have black tits?
They don't take their bras off before they burn them.
Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
Ties the victims' legs together so they can't escape.
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
Took him eight hours to get his family out.
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coat hanger to get them out.
What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
He then has more brains in his stomach than in his head.
What does an Irishman have inside his head?
A piece of paper with brain written on it.
Heard about the latest innovation in Irish submarines?
Screen windows to keep the fish out.
Why is the suicide rate low among the Irish?
It's pretty hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement.
Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
If you can't lick them then join them.
What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
Lucky.
Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
The arsehole rejected him seven days later.
What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A liar.
How can you pick the Irish pirate?
He wears a patch over both eyes.
Why do Irish council workers only have 10 minute tea breaks?
If they spend any longer they need to be retrained.
Why did the Irish stop making ice blocks?
The old lady who knew the recipe died.
What has an IQ. of 180?
Ireland.
What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Irishmen.
What's the fastest game in he world?
Pass the parcel in an Irish pub.
Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
What caused the New York blackout?
Four Irishmen hooking up a doorbell.
What happens to an Irishman who picks his nose?
His head collapses.
Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
What's red and runs around a tennis court?
Unborn Borg or Foetus Gerulaitis.
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