A Load of Old Irish

The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'

'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.

An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

Why do Irish women have black tits?
They don't take their bras off before they burn them.

Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
Ties the victims' legs together so they can't escape.

Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
Took him eight hours to get his family out.

Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coat hanger to get them out.

What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
He then has more brains in his stomach than in his head.

What does an Irishman have inside his head?
A piece of paper with brain written on it.

Heard about the latest innovation in Irish submarines?
Screen windows to keep the fish out.

Why is the suicide rate low among the Irish?
It's pretty hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement.

Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
If you can't lick them then join them.

What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
Lucky.

Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
The arsehole rejected him seven days later.

What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A liar.

How can you pick the Irish pirate?
He wears a patch over both eyes.

Why do Irish council workers only have 10 minute tea breaks?
If they spend any longer they need to be retrained.

Why did the Irish stop making ice blocks?
The old lady who knew the recipe died.

What has an IQ. of 180?
Ireland.

What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Irishmen.

What's the fastest game in he world?
Pass the parcel in an Irish pub.

Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.

What caused the New York blackout?
Four Irishmen hooking up a doorbell.

What happens to an Irishman who picks his nose?
His head collapses.

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

What's red and runs around a tennis court?
Unborn Borg or Foetus Gerulaitis.