Wednesday, 27 February 2008


Jock was out working the field when a Fokker landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"


At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Scottish father in law

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

Old Scottish Immigrant

Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."

Last wish

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

The Caddie

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.

"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

Return to work

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!


Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

Tuesday, 26 February 2008


A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

Three blondes are stuck

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Disney Land

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.

A dead Bird

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

At a convention of blondes,

At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that the "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"

The blonde answered, "120."

"No," he said, "that’s not right."

The audience called out, "Give her another chance!"

So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"

Slowly the blonde replied, "16."

"Sorry", he said, shaking his head.

Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."

"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"

Carefully she ventured, "Four?"

And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

A police officer

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

A teacher is instructing

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

As a trucker stops for a red light,

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

A blonde buys

A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Monday, 25 February 2008

Monica Lewinsky

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?

The Top 16 Changes at the White House

The Top 16 Changes at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy
16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine Albright by name.
15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out at midnight run to McDonald's.
14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch every time he hears "Bad boy."
13. President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.
12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.
11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.
10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
9. Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading: "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"
8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.
7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.
6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.
5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.
4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.
3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.
2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President. The Number 1 Change at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy...
1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.


What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a snake?
A: One is spineless, has a forked tongue and is a threat to humans. The other is a reptile
What happens if Bill Clinton gets a shot of testosterone?
He turns into Hillary.
Several politicians had a meeting with the Wizard of Oz...
First, Newt Gingrich went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Al Gore. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Bob Dole. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
And the Wiz said, "So be it".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"


BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

a birthday present

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!

Sunday, 24 February 2008

Clinton Jokes

There were 5 presidents on the Titanic--Carter, Reagan, Bush, Nixon and Clinton. As the Titanic hit the iceberg...Bush exclaimed, "We hit an Iceberg" Reagan queried, "We hit what?" Carter declared, "Save the women and children!" Nixon said, "Screw the women!" Clinton asked, "Do we have time?"
What is the difference between greeting the Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
You only have to get on one knee to greet the Queen.
What do you get when you ask Clinton to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
Three different answers.
They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making Ross Perot, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton."
What does Bill say to Hillary after Great sex.
Honey I'll be home in 15 minutes.
A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore?
Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008


A white guy named Joe falls madly in love with this bartender named Wendy, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis.

She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man.

Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?"

The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."


A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."


There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"


One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Airline 2008

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window."Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?" The pilot confirmed that they were.The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

The Blonde and the plane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Iron horse

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teapot whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teapot into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the noise, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the Apache guy, "Why'd you bust up my teapot?" The desert man replies, "Shii' kiis', you gotta kill these things when they're small."

An Apache guy

An Apache guy, who had spent his whole life in the desert, goes to visit a friend who had moved to town. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
BAM!!, he's hit by the train and tossed to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was lucky enough to live through it with a few broken bones and some bruises.

Whats in Hell

A Dine' guy is sitting in a bus stop with two old Anglo men. The first Anglo guy says, "Hey Herb, where you going for vacation this year?" Herb tells him, "I'm going to Montana to fish this year", The first guy looks at him and exclaims, "What you want to go there fer? They ain't nothin but a bunch of damned Indians up there." Herb then says, "Well, where you goin?" The first guy says, "I'm going to Arizona and soak up some sun!" Herb looks at him and yells, "You moron, there's nothing but a bunch of Indians in Arizona!" Then the little Dine' guy speaks up and comments, "Why don't you both just go to hell! There's no Indians there."

A Cheyenne man

A Cheyenne man goes into a grocery store, and asks for a package of toilet paper. The clerk offers him 3 kinds, Charmin, Best Brand, and Generic. The Cheyenne man takes the generic. He comes back in a week later, throws the remainder of the toilet paper at the store clerk and says, "I don't want no cheap John Wayne toilet paper!" The clerk laughs and says, "It's not John Wayne toilet paper, it's GENERIC toilet paper." The Cheyenne guy tells him, 'You can call it whatever you want, but it's rough, tough, and won't take crap off nobody!"

Monday, 18 February 2008


Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser.
Why do skunks argue when crossing the road?
Cause they like to raise a stink.
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.

Giant Bug

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said,

"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.


Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"

The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."

The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"

The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."

A butcher

A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

"Clever, my ass," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Boom boom

How do you keep a dog from crossing the road?
You put him in a barking lot.

French Foreign Legion fort

Two guys are on duty at a French Foreign Legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.
The other guy says no way.
So, the first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks. Reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. Camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy. I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes.
The second guy says, " You got me last time. But there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes."
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says,"Remember me?".
The camel nods.....

Rollo the dog

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!"

Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral Of The Story
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Doctors office

A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head. The doctor leaps up and says: "Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"

The frog looks down and replies: "I dun no Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!

The noted biologist

Jim Finley, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finley went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trump looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a dash of that, and most critically, one part sodium.

"You mean?.... " Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."

A little monkey business

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.


"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"


"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."


"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.

The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl,
she levitates six inches from the bed."

The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous
love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"

The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting'
me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me penis on the curtains...and
she goes through the fregin roof!!"

English bloke

One day an English bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.

The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.

An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.

"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"

So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD

An Australian ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his
dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.

The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the New
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the New
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
New Zealander: The sheep's a liar.

U can't Fly

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy son-of-a-gun!"

The Dog and the Duck

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

Police Dog goes for a job

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

Missing Ship

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

The Parrot again

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."


They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.

They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.

They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.

They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.

They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that.....
It was the dog!
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Canadian, a American, and a Chinese

One time three people a Canadian, a American, and a Chinese
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you'd land in it. So they decided they'd try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the Canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the Chinese guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.

A Welshman, a Russian and an African

Three travelers, A Welshman, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."

Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."

A Welshman, a Russian and an African

Three travelers, A Welshman, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said, "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air" he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over my homeland" he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the Desert."

Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
"Aaah, we're right over Cardiff." The Russian and African were
"How did you know all of that?" They exclaimed.
The Welshman pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."

Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink...

Only in people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke...

Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters...

Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the

Only in we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight...

Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures"..

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts

One day 3 men

One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a
Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the
bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his
pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American
both yelled out "What the hell did you do that for?" The
Frenchie just shrugged and said "We've got too much of that in
our country" The American, catching the Frencies drift, pulled
out a pack of ciggaretes and threw them over the bridge. The
Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, "What the hell did
you do that for?" The american shrugged and said "We have too
many of those in our country"

Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finnaly, he
picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The
American looked at him in dis belief and said "Why in gods name
did you do that?" and the Canadian replied, "We've got too many
of those in our country."

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just infront of the
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.

Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.

A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs

Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."

The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."

A Load of Old Irish

The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'

'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.

An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of thet ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

Why do Irish women have black tits?
They don't take their bras off before they burn them.

Did you hear about the Irish rapist?
Ties the victims' legs together so they can't escape.

Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in the car?
Took him eight hours to get his family out.

Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coat hanger to get them out.

What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly?
He then has more brains in his stomach than in his head.

What does an Irishman have inside his head?
A piece of paper with brain written on it.

Heard about the latest innovation in Irish submarines?
Screen windows to keep the fish out.

Why is the suicide rate low among the Irish?
It's pretty hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement.

Did you hear about the Irishman who stapled his balls together?
If you can't lick them then join them.

What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?

Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant?
The arsehole rejected him seven days later.

What do you call an Irishman with a University degree?
A liar.

How can you pick the Irish pirate?
He wears a patch over both eyes.

Why do Irish council workers only have 10 minute tea breaks?
If they spend any longer they need to be retrained.

Why did the Irish stop making ice blocks?
The old lady who knew the recipe died.

What has an IQ. of 180?

What's the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Irishmen.

What's the fastest game in he world?
Pass the parcel in an Irish pub.

Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.

What caused the New York blackout?
Four Irishmen hooking up a doorbell.

What happens to an Irishman who picks his nose?
His head collapses.

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

What's red and runs around a tennis court?
Unborn Borg or Foetus Gerulaitis.

Sunday, 17 February 2008

The secret of success is sincerity

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
I overheard two dissatisfied bingo regulars talking today, one was saying that he was going to work for Euro Disney because he was fed up with his present job and wanted to work for a real Mickey Mouse Operation.

Labor or Hard decide!
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x 8'cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

Some more joks

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Hotel Guest: 'Can you give me a room and a bath, please?' Receptionist: 'I can give you a room, but you'll have to take your own bath.'
A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared. "Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked. "Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?" "I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."

Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.' The girl said, 'Tripe.' He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'


A Mexican, an Iraqi, and an American all walk into a bar, buy a drink, and go outside. The Mexican grabs his drink, gulps it down, throws his glass in the air, shoots it and says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap, we don't ever have to drink with the same ones twice!" Feelin a lil cocky, the Iraqi says, "OK." He drinks his glass, throws it high in the air, shoots it with his AK-47 and says, "In Iraq, we have so much sand we never ever have to drink with the same glass twice!" Then the American gets up from his chair, cool as a cucumber, throws his beer bottle in the air, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, catches his bottle and says, "Well in MY country, we have so many damn Mexicans and Iraqis that we dont ever have to drink with the same ones twice!" Amen

Saturday, 16 February 2008

Mines and health

Welsh health lecturer: "The two most debilitating diseases in Wales are silicosis and syphilis. Silicosis you get by going down a shaft

An undertaker at a funeral was talking to a very old man from the next village.

"Tell me," he said, "how old are you now?"

"I shall be eighty-nine on my next birthday", was the reply.

"Really?", said the undertaker, "it's hardly worth your going home, is it?"

Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game

Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

Irish A Dublin Jew

Irish A Dublin Jew

A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.

A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says, "Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and now he asks me riddles!"

Middle east history lesson

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"


"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"


"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?

Friday, 15 February 2008

The New Germany

What is the German word for constipation?

What's the difference between an English, a French and a German pensioner?T
he English one takes a Whisky and goes fishing.The French one takes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule.The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.

"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Nein, I said TWO!"
German Jokes!

"What would you like sir?"
"Ein bloody steak."
"Well, do you want some f****** chips with it too?"

Why are so many Germans born by C-section?Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

Why do Germans have huge heads?Otherwise the mouth would not fit in!

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

One day Hitler decided to go to a psychic to find out what day he would die. After looking though her crystal ball, the psychic replied, "MeinFuhrer, you shall die on a Jewish Holiday." Hitler was shocked! He said, "Well which holiday is it?" The psychic replied "Fuhrer, the day that you die will always be a Jewish Holiday."

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is themost pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word." The French guy says, "True, but Papillon is even more beautiful". "What's wrong with Schmetterlink?", says the German...

A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms

Indicators Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood) Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Clutch Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner Die twatte mit ellplatzEstate
Car Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Near Accident Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen
Parking Meter Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windscreen Wiper Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Footbrake Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Breathalyser Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Exhaust (old cars) Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter
Highway Code Der Wipenfurarsen
Fog Warning Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Traffic jam Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Rear Seat Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein
Tires Flahttfarts
Backfire Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Accident Der Bledinmess
Garage Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist Der pedallpushinink Pillocken
Skid Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White und Krunchen
Lines Overtaken
Automobile Honkenbrakenscreecher
Gasoline Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen
Driver Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker
Auto Mechanic Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepinger-sputtergefixer
Repair Bill Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste
Truck Der Fukkengratentrucken

German word

What is the German word for constipation?

What's the difference between an English, a French and a German pensioner?T
he English one takes a Whisky and goes fishing.The French one takes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule.The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.

"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Nein, I said TWO!"

A Filipino man

A Filipino man died and went to heaven. Before he could enter the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter had to ask him three questions.
The first one Saint Peter asked was, "How many days are there in a week?"
The Filipino man answered, "Three. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow."
The second question Peter asked was, "Can you use yellow, pink and green in one sentence?"
The man answered, "Of course... The phone greens, I pink it up and say Yellow!!"
The last question Peter asked the Filipino man what GOD's name was.
He replied, "Howard... as in 'our father howard be thy name...'"

Late Night Jokes on TV about the French

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." —Jay Leno

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." —Jay Leno

"Broadway producers are saying that because of the war, musicals are suffering from weak ticket sales. Not only that, over at 'Les Miserables,' the French are refusing to take part in the revolution." —Conan O'Brien

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." —Jay Leno

"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien

"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller (Click for more of Dennis Miller's rant)

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." —Jay Leno

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush and National Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the new Department of Homeland Security, just 24 hours after taking us down to threat level French — I'm sorry, I mean threat level yellow." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." —Craig Kilborn

"According to the Pentagon today, secret surrender negotiations are now underway with key Iraqi military officials. That's what the Pentagon said: We're in secret negotiations, so for God sakes, don't tell anyone. ... What we're doing basically is giving these key Iraqi military officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this is where we could have used the French." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield." —Craig Kilborn

"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno

"American tourists in Paris are reported to being yelled at, spit upon, and attacked by the French. Thank God things are getting back to normal." —Jay Leno

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno

"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures — just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." —Jay Leno

Rugby Fans

A welsh rugby fan, a Scottish rugby fan and an English fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife' s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Scotsman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the Scotsman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back" But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishmen was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The Welshman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes! "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Welshman replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes. "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. " If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?
"Tie the Englishman to my back"


Scotsman went for a job as a blacksmith. The owner said "Can you shoe a horse?" He replied "No, but I once told a cow to bugger off.

Some Irish Jokes

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, 'How can you come here', she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, 'and drink that awful stuff?' .

'Now!' he cried, 'And you always thought I was out enjoying meself.'

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.

'Now don't let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir, 'said the released man.

'And why not?'

'Because I'm the barman at your regular pub.'
You Can't Believe Everything You Read In The Papers

Dermot McCann opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly 'phoned his best friend Reilly.

'Did ye see the paper?' asked Dermot. 'They say I died.'
'Yes, I saw it.' replied Reilly. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
No Hiding Place

Walking into the bar, Shamus said to O'Heir the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'O, bejabbers,' said O'Heir, 'And how did this one end?'

'Hah, when it was over,' Shamus replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really?' cried O'Heir, 'now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.'

Thursday, 14 February 2008

A rookie officer

A rookie officer pulled over a guy who was speeding.
officer:May I see your license?

Man:It is not valid.It has been revoked 5 times.

officer:Well then can I please see the registration to the car?

Man:this is not my car.I carjacked it.

Officer:Well open up the glove box and let me see who it is regitered to.

Man:I can't open up the glove box,it has my loaded gun in there

About this time the officer is reaching for his gun.

Officer:Well what do you have a gun in the glove box for?

Man:Oh, I used to kill my wife who is stuffed in the trunk.

The officer goes over and calls for backup.The police chief comes over and says,

Chief:Let me get this straight, you are driving on a license that has been revoked 5 times?

Man: No, Here, take a look,

And sure enough it was valid

Chief:Okay,but you carjacked this car?

Man:No it is my car.Let me get the registration out of the glove box and show you.

Chief:But don't you have a loaded gun in there ?


And sure enough there was no gun in there and the car belonged to the man.

Chief:Well it is my understanding that you shot your wife and she is in the trunk.

Man:No,let me open it for you.

And sure enough there was nobody in the trunk.

Man: And let me guess,The lying son-of-a-gun probably told you I was speeding too!

Murphy's Laws

Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

Why Sex is Like Snow
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Remember the Golden Rule
He who has the gold makes the rules.

Murphy's Laws of Sex
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering
Save all the parts.

The First Law of Wing Walking
Never let go of what you've got until
you've got hold of something else.

bush and moses

George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses.
"Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few
blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?"
asked Bush. "Well,"
Moses replied, "The last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Noisy Neighbors

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to
go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said
good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was
holding up.

"I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English
students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in
the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall
until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me
stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right
below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night."

"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his

"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually
up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes

French Legionaries

French Legionaries

Three French legionaries are hiking across the desert where they
have been for several days. They are out of food and on their
last ration of water.

As they walk a bit further, the head legionary thinks he sees
something up ahead and cries to the others (in a French accent),
"look! It is a bacon tree! It is what we 'ave been waiting for!"

And sure enough, there seems to be a tree covered with streaky
bacon. Of course the legionaries are delighted, so desperate
that they don't even consider the possibility of it being a

As they get closer, the head legionary says, "Stay 'ere. I will
investigate". So he approaches, but as he does so, two gunshots
penetrate the deadly silence, seeming to com from the bacon
tree, and strike down the legionary. The tree disappears.

The other two rush to see if there is anything they can do, but
it seems almost too late.

"Sir!" they cry, "are you alright?"

And the head legionary, before he dies, says, "Zat was not a
bacon tree...zat was an 'ambush!"

What ifs

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise
Women instead of three Wise Men ?

Women would say:

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
practical gifts.

Here's Men's rebuttal.....

Yeah, and do you know what they said would have said when they

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"

"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the

"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"

"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"

"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
dish back?"


I said to the Gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. "That's two hits," says the other owl. "Two hits to who?" says the first.

Did you hear about the ice-cream man, he was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands? The police said that he had topped himself.

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"

What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Answer: 'I like your belt'!

Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy - a German shepherd owner - says: "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink." The other - a Chihuahua owner - says: "They'll never let us in with the dogs." The first replies: "Just follow my lead", as he dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says: "But, this is my Seeing Eye dog", and is allowed in. His friend quickly puts on his sunglasses and makes the same pitch to the doorman. The doorman says: "I've never seen a Chihuahua seeing eye dog." To which the guy responds: "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Q: Why did the Irishman refuse to be a Jehovah's Witness?

Why did the Irishman refuse to be a Jehovah's Witness?
Because he didn't see the accident.

War pro's and cons

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

Q: Why do the French never perform "the wave" at a soccer game?
A: Because, that's a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.

Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" -- Dennis Miller

The Pope

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Three babies left unclaimed

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. Suddenly the doctor comes and says,

"Gentlemen, your wives have all had little boys! However in the confusion we may have mixed the babies up. Could you come to the nursery to help us identify them?"

The Welshman ran to the nursery, picked up a dark-skinned baby with dreadlocks and said,

"This boy is mine."

The surprised doctor said, "But this child looks Jamaican."

"True," said the Welshman "but there is a fifty fifty chance that one of the others is English, and I'm not taking the risk."

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said," I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Talking to God

A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

Animal anatomy question

an Elephant ask the Camel! "why do u hev ur boobs on your back?" d camel laugh and replied,, " what a silly question from someone with a big penis on his Face!?!!

U.S Marines say what you mean and mean what you say

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

President Bush Memos

"At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a 'de-escalation of Mid-East violence.' Later, Bush called for both sides to 'de-angrify' and 'de-hurt' each other." --Conan O'Brien

"Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert arrived in Washington to meet with President Bush. He's talking with President Bush about the Israeli-Palestinian border and believe me, if there's anyone you want border advice from, it's President Bush." --Jay Leno

"The biggest surprise of the election: it was the lowest voter turnout ever. A dismal 63.2%. That's the lowest turn-out they've ever had. You know we shouldn't be bringing democracy to the Middle East, they should be bringing it to us" --Jon Stewart, on the Israeli election

"Big news in the Middle East. Yesterday the Israeli government began moving thousands of Jewish settlers from the Gaza strip. This is huge. And officials say once the area is cleared of all Jews the area will be renamed Utah." --Conan O'Brien


What do you call a field full of Australians ?

A vacant lot.


An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New
Zealander were onboard a plane, getting ready to make their
first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he
leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this for my
country......" The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards,
calling out the same words. Then the New Zealanders ripped the
parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and
cried, "I am doing this for my country......"

How do you define 144 Australians ?

Gross stupidity.

Height and Position

The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position,
replied, "I'm 5"11' and sitting in the front seat."

An Aussie is proof that God has a sense humour.

Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant ?

The brain rejected him a week later.

Did you know that New Zealanders who eimigrate to Australia
raise the IQ of both countries ?

War of the French

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

Q: Why do the French never perform "the wave" at a soccer game?
A: Because, that's a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.

Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" -- Dennis Miller

Monday, 11 February 2008

North American Jokes

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

What do Eskimos get from rubbing noses too many times?

A Cheyenne guy went to Chinatown in San Francisco. While there he found a bronze rat at a thrift store. "How much do you want for the rat" he asked. "$3 for the rat and $1000 for the story that goes with it" said the shopkeeper. "Just give me the rat," the Cheyenne said, and then he left with it. As he walked down the street he noticed a couple of rats following him. As he walked further, more and more rats started chasing him. By the time he got to the bay, there were thousands of rats chasing him. So he climbed up a pole and threw the bronze rat into the water. To his amazement, all the rats jumped into the water.
The Cheyenne then returned to the thrift store. "Ahh" the china man said. "Now you would like to hear the story?"
"No" said the Cheyenne, "I just came back to see if you had any bronze white men!"

Quotes and Misquotes

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates, 1981

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people,
and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of
documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool."
- Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

"To err is human. To really mess things up requires a computer"
- Unknown

"You'll never really learn to swear until you get a computer."
- Unknown

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way.
This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining."
- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

Hardware: A product that if you play with it long enough, breaks.
Software: A product that if you play with it long enough, works.

Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users
are divided into three Types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users: People who don't know how to fix their computer after pressing a key that broke it.
Expert Users: People who break other people's computers.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a program runs right, it must be obsolete.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Never trust a computer you can't lift.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Germany's turn

What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.
Belgium's national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?
The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!

When Germany is the voice of reason

"Of course, world leaders are getting involved in the crisis right now. Earlier today Germany's chancellor called for the attacks on Israel to stop. After hearing about it, a spokesperson for Israel said, 'You know things are bad when Germany's got your back'."

Some great Aussie jokes

GOD wanted Jesus to be born in Australia, but he couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

DID you hear about the Australian shoplifter? He was found crushed beneath the local supermarket.

A MAN has an interview for immigration into Australia. The interviewer says to him: "Do you have a police record?" "What?" replies the man. "Do you still need one to get in?"

Q: WHAT'S Australian for foreplay? A: When the man says: "Wake up, Sheila."

Q: HOW do you describe a well-balanced Australian? A: One with a chip on both shoulders

Native Americans

The Blackfeet asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "its going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find
every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Blackfeet are collecting wood like crazy!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

A little Irish

How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere! "

The Welsh

What’s the Ospreys and a three pin British electrical plug got in common?

They’re both useless in Europe.

Rhys: Doctor, I can’t stop singing the Green, Green Grass of Home.

Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Rhys: Is it common?

Doctor: It’s not unusual.

Cabbie Rhys Parry was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed him Cardiff Castle and he said his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build.

When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

He replied: “I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”

Sunday, 10 February 2008

Breaking the basic rules

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why," asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"

Self-sufficient blind man

There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight.
The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes.
When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her.
"That's right,"she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.
He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.
Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"